As opposed to “building a butter body,” which is what it seems like we’ve been doing for the last few years …

Melissa and I have a new project. See, we’re getting married in October. And when you get married, you tend to get a whole bunch of photos taken of you. And when you get a whole bunch of photos taken of you, it’s nice to be fit and in shape.

That’s why we’ve decided to train for a bodybuilding competition.

Now, to be clear, the goal of bodybuilding isn’t to get as strong as you can. It’s not a strength competition, per se. It’s a competition based purely on physical appearance.

Granted, you have to be in pretty damned good physical shape to look pretty damned good physically, so the two definitely go hand-in-hand. But ironically, the training I’m going through right now is fairly different from the weight training I’ve engaged in over the past 20 years (i.e., training both to build strength and to accumulate excuses to consume excessive amounts of ethanol).

And while we’re clarifying stuff, our goal isn’t to look like this:

Or this:

While these categories of bodybuilding are perfectly valid (a point I’m emphasizing here, both because I have mad respect for the competitors in these divisions, and because I’m not in the mood to get my ass kicked by the competitors in these divisions), there are a few other categories that have become more popular in recent years. Rather than outright bulk, these categories are instead focused on balance, symmetry, and a more “classical” figure. So, more like this:

And this:

In case you’re curious, the men’s category above is called Physique, and the women’s is called Bikini. Because for the men, it’s all about the physique. And for the women … it’s … all about … the bikini? I guess? I mean, those are $400 bikinis. With sequins on them. So … yeah, I guess it makes sense that it’s all about the bikini.

Not that I’m complaining or anything. The rules of the division mandate that the bikini bottom must cover at least 50% of the glutes. But … well, if you’ve ever been to one of these competitions, let’s just say the judges don’t seem all that concerned about the math.

Anyway, at least I get to save a ton of money and wear regular swim trunks. Life is so much cheaper when you’re a guy.

And the coolest thing is, we’ve actually had a few friends compete before (Matt, Deidra, Tamera, Tina — quick shout-out to y’all). This doesn’t even include all the new friends we’ve made since we got into the scene:

In fact, it’s been pretty cool to see how tight and supportive fitness competitors are, and how many people actually participate. Who knows? Maybe some of your own friends are prepping for an upcoming competition right now. If you’re not sure, they’re pretty easy to spot — they’re the ones hiding in the corner at a social gathering, eating out of Tupperware containers filled with precisely measured portions of steamed chicken and broccoli.

Yeah, that’s the one part of all this I’m really not looking forward to …