‘Til Jail Do Us Part

Hey, so I’m getting married in six days! Pretty exciting, right?

Do you know what’s not a good thing to do six days before getting married?

Get arrested. Because of your fiancée …


Today is Melissa’s birthday, so we went out last night with her sister and brother-in-law. We had such a grand ole’ time that she puked in the Uber on the way home, and then pretty much passed out on the curb outside our house.

Okay, not a big deal … yet.

Well, okay. It’s a slightly big deal. Like specifically, 150 dollar-sized deals. But whatever. I also once puked in an Uber that Melissa had called and ended up getting fined for, so now we were even.

No, the big deal arrived after I finally got her back into the house, into the bathroom, and draped over the toilet …


It was 3:00 AM by this point, and I heard a loud knock on the front door. I walked down the hallway, looked out the window, and saw two cops.

Uh oh.

I answered the door, and the cops explained that someone had seen a man dragging an unconscious woman into the house, so they wanted to check to make sure she was okay.

My first thought was, Well, that’s nice of them. They’re concerned Melissa is drunk and want to make sure she’s not sick.

And then … I had an epiphany.

Oh, shit! No. They’re not checking up to see if she’s okay from the drinking. They’re checking to make sure I’m not sexually assaulting her.

To their credit, the two cops were incredibly polite, though they made it pretty clear they needed to see Melissa to make sure everything was okay. So, I led them to the bathroom, where they got visual confirmation of Melissa, still hunched over the toilet, without a piece of clothing on her …

To which Melissa managed to mutter a barely coherent, but very audible “I’m naked!!!”

At which point the two male cops immediately started looking very uncomfortable, blurted out “thankyouhaveagreatnight,” and made a hasty exit from our bedroom.

Phew, no jail for me.

In retrospect, I have to admit …

You know you had a good birthday when you almost get your fiance arrested for sexual assault.


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